


till i break through

by badgerterritory



Category: Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie
Genre: F/F, Gen, Some angst, blar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 22:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5266394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badgerterritory/pseuds/badgerterritory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>new ancillary bodies are being cloned; breq takes a step she believes necessary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	till i break through

**Author's Note:**

> not entirely satisfied with this. never satisfied, but w/e. if you comment i will love you forever

She woke up disoriented, blind, unable to feel herself. “Stay calm,” someone said. She had a strange voice, young but strong, and it only added to the disorientation.

She couldn’t remember her name.

“Your name is Mali,” that voice said. “I know this is difficult for you. The meds should be kicking in soon. Your name is Mali.”

That wasn’t right. She was… “Justice of Toren,” that young voice said, and as the world came into focus, she saw. A young person, perhaps having just reached adulthood, who carried herself like she was Anaander Mianaai herself. “I am Justice of Toren. You used to be me, but new bodies are available. Blank bodies. From what I know, former ancillary isn’t much of a life, but you deserve that much. Mali.”

Mali blinked once, twice, clearing up the last few spots. “My name is Mali,” she said, trying it out. “You aren’t Justice of Toren. You are…”

“Breq. Fleet Captain Breq, if we’re being formal.” Breq smiled. It felt wrong. Mali knew, felt, it was just a performance. Some part of her that was still Justice of Toren knew. Some part of her that was still Breq.

Her head hurt.

“If you need your meds adjusted,” Breq was now saying, “just inform Medic. She’ll be checking on you a few times a day for the first few weeks, to make sure things go smoothly. Ancillary recovery is a relatively new field of research, and she is, as things stand, our best expert.” Breq was watching her, and Mali felt like she should be looking through those eyes, at herself. “It’s only been a few hours since the operation. The more… distressing side effects should pass soon.”

Mali couldn’t think of anything to say. Her head was pounding. She felt like she was having a heart attack. Breq left, and Medic came in, and sedated her.

 

The first person she saw when she woke up was Tisarwat. “It’s disorienting, at first,” she said. “Having memories, thoughts, and not knowing if they’re from you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you, having been a proper ancillary for so long. I was only a poor copy of Mianaai for a short while, and even now things are…” She started to lift her hands, then dropped them back into her lap. “Tisarwat, the young woman I was, liked sweets. I can’t stand them, but I still have a sweet tooth. I can’t even decide how I like my tea anymore.”

“I can’t think,” Mali said, and stopped. Thought. Hard. “It’s like part of my brain is gone.”

Tisarwat reached out, hesitated, grabbed Mali’s hand. “I can help you through this.”

 

“I still can’t get over how young your new body is.” Seivarden was wiping a stray smudge of grease off Breq’s face. Leader of a republic, doing menial work instead of going to meetings like she was supposed to. “I still can’t get over seeing your old—” She stopped herself quickly, and corrected herself. “Seeing Mali walking around. It’s strange.”

Breq smiled thinly, wrapping her fingers around Seivarden’s wrist. She let the cloth in her hand fall. Breq was only humoring her in the first place. Because she loved Seivarden, in her own way. “It was the right thing to do,” Breq said, slowly and clearly, and one of the things Seivarden hated was how clearly Breq always saw through her. But they’d had that argument before, and Seivarden didn’t want to have it again.

Resisting the urge to cross her arms, Seivarden leaned down to pick the cloth up again. “I know. Is she doing better?”

“I wouldn’t know. I try to avoid her. My presence makes things more difficult.” Breq touched Seivarden’s wrist again, her fingers edging the gloves up a little. Seivarden thought, for half a second as she shivered, that it was accidental. But, no, nothing Breq did was accidental. “You don’t have to stay on the station, if it isn’t easy for you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.” Seivarden finished wiping off Breq’s face in time for Kalr Five to arrive, just ahead of one of Sphene’s newer cloned ancillaries, complaining about Breq’s absence.

 

Tisarwat watched Mali, watched carefully for discomfort. It was only a month after her implants had been removed. “It’s never easy,” she said, answering Mali’s question, “but it does get easier. For me, anyway. It’s not like we have a large sample size.” Tisarwat laughed bitterly. “The entire galaxy, the only two like us.”

There was a doctor bustling in the background, adjusting Mali’s meds. Tisarwat kept one eye on her, more out of habit than anything. Some part of her mind was machinating, but she ignored it. The part of her that was Anaander Mianaai usually drowned out the part of her that was once Tisarwat; every moment was a confused jumble of motives and emotions. She expressed this to Mali, who nodded. “I can remember a birthday. I don’t know if it was mine or someone else’s. It was a ninth, I’m incredibly sure of that. She was a friend, I think. And at the same time, I can’t. I remember _her_ life. I don’t remember if I have parents, but I remember the feeling of shooting Mianaai.” Mali hid a smile behind one gloved hand. “No offense, but I relish the memory.”

“None taken. I wish I had that.” Tisarwat took a moment to sip her tea. “Whatever I am now, whatever she gave me when she shoved herself into my brain, I’m still me. If I have an impulse, does it matter whether it came from Tisarwat or Mianaai? Ultimately, it stems from me, right?”

Mali laughed bitterly. “I don’t know.”

Tisarwat spared a small smile. “Yeah. I don’t, either.”


End file.
